| The Police 22:40 - Jan 11 with 1642 views | SaintNick |
The Police have just rang to inform me that they've recovered my stolen couch.
That was nice of them ... it was starting to look a bit tatty |  |
| Satisfying The Bloodlust Of The Masses In Peacetime |
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| The Police on 22:57 - Jan 11 with 1612 views | hedgeend61 |
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl?
I told her I didn't even know he played cricket.
There's this tribe of small pigmies in deepest Africa, called the Fukawi tribe.
They are so small, sometimes get lost in the long grass and have to.jump up to see where they are and shout out ' We're the Fukawi'
A boy comes home from school at 7pm. His dad says "Where were you?"
"I was with Tanya". He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying".
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely".
Dad replies "Wash your hands son... they're **** donuts".
The wife said I need to get the cat chipped.
I only had a nine iron but still managed to get it over the shed. |  | | |
| The Police on 22:58 - Jan 11 with 1611 views | SaintNick |
| The Police on 22:57 - Jan 11 by hedgeend61 |
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl?
I told her I didn't even know he played cricket.
There's this tribe of small pigmies in deepest Africa, called the Fukawi tribe.
They are so small, sometimes get lost in the long grass and have to.jump up to see where they are and shout out ' We're the Fukawi'
A boy comes home from school at 7pm. His dad says "Where were you?"
"I was with Tanya". He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying".
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely".
Dad replies "Wash your hands son... they're **** donuts".
The wife said I need to get the cat chipped.
I only had a nine iron but still managed to get it over the shed. |
Some crackers there | |
| Satisfying The Bloodlust Of The Masses In Peacetime |
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| The Police on 23:15 - Jan 11 with 1581 views | hedgeend61 |
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Our next door neighbour was banging on our wall this morning at 4:30
Luckily we were still up playing some music
"Please give a little respect, please" he shouted
Well we're not big Erasure fans but we played it for him anyway
What do we want?
A cure for obesity
When do we want it?
After dinner...
The sooner the pubs open the better.
This drinking at home is getting out of hand.
Last night I nearly asked the Doris for her phone number!
I bumped into Leo Sayer the other day and he said I look like the barman from Cheers.
Leo Sayer, you made me feel like Danson. | | | |
| The Police on 00:29 - Jan 12 with 1534 views | TimSaint |
That obesity one reminded me of:
What do we want ?
A cure for tourettes
When do we want it ?
Cvnt !!
Dear Deirdre
My boyfriend told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him, but after some persuasion, I allowed him to try it but it left me a bit sore. He's just phoned me saying he wants to try it again, as he is still constipated.
What should I do ?
Sharon from Essex
What do Spurs fans call a cheap circumcision ? A rip-off !!
Why did the sperm cross the road ?
Because my mate from Sunday vets football put the wrong sock on (sorry Jay !!) [Post edited 12 Jan 2021 0:31]
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| The Police on 10:06 - Jan 12 with 1344 views | 1teeminants |
All my hair stuff has been stolen. The police are combing the area. |  |
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| The Police on 10:24 - Jan 12 with 1324 views | Ron11 |
I got stopped by the old bill while driving the other day.
They said they thought I may have a police record.
I said I had - 'Walking On The Moon'
A VD germ was crossing the road, when a car appeared from nowhere at high speed.
It took one look and thought, 'Shit, I'm a goner 'ere' |  | | |
| The Police on 10:29 - Jan 12 with 1318 views | 1teeminants |
I felt unwell whilst visiting a pet shop. I went to take a tablet but the parrots eat them all. | |
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| The Police on 22:51 - Jan 12 with 1077 views | hedgeend61 |
There once were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
Thus proving that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
My friend is an actor and he told me he’s got the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years. I told him “never mind you might getting a speaking role next time”
A young woman calls her mum, "Mum, I'm getting a divorce."
"A divorce! Why?"
"Mum, all he wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little a**ehole the size of a 5 pence piece. Now it's the size of a fifty pence piece!"
"Sweetie, you have a beautiful house, lovely Porsche, a platinum card, and a villa in Spain. The children are in private school and you have four luxury holidays every year. Do you really want to give all that up for 45 pence?"
I swallowed a bottle of invisible ink yesterday.
I sat in A&E for hours waiting to be seen.
Once in, I was sorted pretty quickly when they moved me to ICU
I threw a ball for my dog.
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket. | | | |
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| The Police on 22:54 - Jan 13 with 877 views | thissceptredsaint |
Someone wrote retard in the frost on my windscreen the other day
Took me 20 minutes to lick it off |  | | |
| The Police on 06:59 - Jan 14 with 832 views | kernow |
A sexually frustrated monk tied a bell ringing rope to his todger. He was somewhat relieved that the abbott tolled him off. | | | |
| The Police on 10:42 - Jan 16 with 705 views | hedgeend61 |
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
There was an Abba tribute band playing in the retail park last night.
My god they were so loud!!
You could hear the drums from Nandos.
I’ve got a business selling panty pads and Viagra.
They call me the rag and bone man. | | | |
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