 Monday, 5th Mar 2012 15:17 Despite the risk of incurring the wrath of the Fans Network administration team The Ugly is afraid of no man and will not be stopped in the latest of its award winning series of Top Ten Facts, today of course its Ipswich.
1. Ipswich is the county town of Suffolk, which most people dont realise is actually on the English mainland, this is partly due to the fact that Suffolk like its neighbour Norfolk does not have a first class County Cricket team, surprising in that if it did, it would have a distinct advantage over the other County's due to an almost superhuman catching ability in most of its residents, primarily due to an extra finger on each hand. 2. In the 2001 census, Ipswich was the 38th largest urban area in England, its modern name is believed to be derived from the medieval name Gippeswick, although some local historians have surmised that this in turn comes from a small river nearby the River Gipping, others have subscribed to a modern theory that comes from the population boom of 1406 when it was said about local residents (sorry for the 15th century dialect, although in fairness its pretty close to whats spoken there today) "E loiks to Gippes Wick" Gippes Wick being a euphenism for engaging in sexual intercourse with a women. 3. Ipswich is on the banks of the River Orwell, which in parts can be as much as 20 yards wide and 10ft deep, the river itself is named afted the town's most famous local, George Orwell, who lived at Southwold, who after writing an earlier version of his classic based in Ipwich called 1964, then wrote what many believe is the definitive history of the borough Animal Farm. 4. Ipswich is one of England's oldest towns, something obvious to any visitor the moment they enter the centre, it fell to the Vikings in 869 when King Kirkdouglas invaded East Anglia and was only ceded back to Britain by the Danes in 1946, when looking to give us something as a present for liberating them in the second war and finding that the Norwegians had already given us a Christmas Tree, they found that Ipswich had been overlooked in the 1215 treaty and had remained under Danish rule ever since, a programme of teaching the residents English was implemented, incidentally still going on to this day, which it is hoped will be fully completed by 2025. 5. It is the only town in England not to have a set of traffic lights, although for the past five years, residents have been saving up for some and hope to be able to purchase a nice second hand set very soon, 95% of traffic is agricultural related although the Mayor has a very fetching open top limousine which he rides in on a daily basis, although he doesnt like the amount of straw that collects on his ceremonial chain in the breeze. 6. Ipswich is twinned with Moline, Illinois, the home of the John Deere tractor company which has its UK headquarters a stones throw from Portman Road, due to the phenomonal amount of product it sells in the area, the Ipswich crest features the company's motto "Nothing runs like a Deere" and the clubs nickname of the Tractor Boys comes from the fact that 85% of the population have Combine Harvester licences, the Tractor Boys laugh when Chelsea's city types sing "one man went to mow a meadow" at Portman Road quite literally they could sing "19,846 men went to mow, went to mow a meadow" knowing they werent really exagerrating. 7. Its not widely known that despite being born in Norfolk and at the time a Norwich City season ticket holder, Lord Nelson became Steward Of Ipswich, when asked if he saw it as being a conflict of interest between the two towns he famously said "I can see no arm in it" 8. Ipswich has a famous punk rock tradition, The Stupids were formed in the town in the 1980's as were fellow punks the Addicts and perhaps the biggest rock star the region has ever produced, a man who can walk side by side with Bono and give no quarter, Dani Filth from the band Cradle of filth, add to that John Peel lived nearby and of course the famous sixties flower power festival Tractorstock and there is perhaps no town in England as rock and roll as Ipswich. 9. Sometimes its pleasing to not actually have to stretch the truth in these top tens and this is one such time, although Ipswich resident Paul Mason who weighs in at 70 stone and is therefore Britains heaviest man, has to stretch a few things mainly the waist on his trousers when he gets into them, a regular at Portman Road, he takes up seven seats and has a refreshement kiosk with two staff dedicated only to himself during the game. 10. Ipswich's latest top ten fact is that Britains largest ever baby girl was born there only last month, weighing in at a whopping 14lb 4oz she arrived at Ipswich 's John Deere hospital on 20th February 2012, at time of writing she is now approaching six stone
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