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Everton Left Stunned By UEFA 7th Place Ruling !
Tuesday, 16th May 2017 10:02

Everton have been left stunned and now considering their next move as UEFA announced that 7th place in the Premier League will not qualify them to claim that Virgil Van Dijk has agreed to join them.

At times over the last few months Saints supporters have been perplexed at the number of press reports claiming that Virgil Van Dijk has agreed to join one club or another, so far it is said that he has said YES to Chelsea, Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and a maybe to Spurs, making him the biggest yes man since Phil Neal was assistant to Graham Taylor as England boss in a 1993 documentary.

The situation has started to run out of control with every tin pot club in Europe trying to make a name for themselves and claiming they are about to sign Virgil Van Dijk.

The Premier League have stood by and done nothing meaning that UEFA whilst loathe to step in have now been forced to take action.

Therefore they have introduced strict guidelines as to who will qualify for a VVW transfer rumour.

The top four clubs in the Premier League will automatically qualify to be linked with Van Dijk and make claims they have agreed terms and he has been spotted at the training ground.

The clubs finishing in 5th and 6th place in the Premier League will be allowed to suggest that they have made a bid for Virgil, but will not be allowed to brief their lackeys in the media that they have agreed terms or that he has been seen in estate agents in their vicinity.

However UEFA have made no provision for the domestic cup winners to be able to link themselves with the player and that means that it will not create an extra place in the queue for the Saints defenders signature.

This means that Everton in 7th will not be allowed to enter the bidding for Van Dijk and if they are found to be in breach of these regulations by claiming that he is close to joining them through their preferred media channels, then they could be faced with heavy sanctions including a possible expulsion from the Europa League, a withdrawal of discounted tickets for the ferry across the Mersey and an enforced closure of chip shops on County Road for a six game period

The Goodison Park club are naturally fuming at these developments, they feel that they should be allowed to take their place at the table due to the fact that manager Ronald Koeman and several other people are of the same nationality as VVW and that as the Scouse vernacular sounds Dutch that would be more than enough to sway him into joining them rather than finding himself surrounded by a load of people speaking like Gary Neville or worse still Chas & Dave.

Everton are now considering their next option and whether they will appeal the ruling, they see a Virgil Van Dijk Yes headline as the natural progression for their club back into the elite of English football.

They are however worried about a backlash from UEFA should they launch an appeal and are worried that they will be drawn against a Ukrainian side in the Europa League as a punishment for taking on UEFA.

Last year for a minor breach of UEFA regulations they were ordered to claim that Cuco Martina was about to join them and spent several months telling the Goodison faithful he was one of the best footballers to come out of Holland, before Saints suddenly couldn't find the money to pay them and he remained at St Mary's.

They fear similar sanctions if they make another claim about Van Dijk.

Ronald Koeman said.

"I accept the ruling as i would if I was manager of Barcelona, although I am not, at least not yet and i intend to see out my contract here or the next four weeks whichever is the shorter, I am happy here as i would be if I was at Barcelona although even if they were to phone me tomorrow on 0151 708 8815 or e mail me on loyalron@hotmail.com I would have to tell them the same thing, I am happy at Everton, i have a contract I have always honoured my contracts"

Tottenham Hotspur when asked if they had approached Saints about the players denied that they had but did respond when told that Arsenal had agreed terms by saying.

"If he has said yes to them then he has definitely said yes to us too, he was initially concerned about moving the 3ft to our new ground and the extra travelling time, but when we assured him that it would be like St Mary's because we have copied their song and tried to claim it as our own and will more than likely do the same with any other Saints songs about him, he said yes to us as well.

So that is where the situation is at at present, UEFA have confirmed that only six clubs qualify for a Virgil Van Dijk YES headline this summer.

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Dont_Be_So_Bitter added 12:19 - May 16
This would have been a funny bit of satire had you not mentioned Kelvin McKenzie. What that man did to the city of Liverpool and the memories of those poor 96 fans was disgusting and you are equally disgusting for posting such filth! I sincerely hope that you never experience the loss and ridicule that the 96 families had to endure.
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bstokesaint added 12:49 - May 16
Nick, can't see Everton ever being a serious contender for VVD. When you're that good you can pick your club regardless of any rumours flying around.
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Saints4prem added 12:55 - May 16
Hilarious really brightened up my day. it will be a shame to lose him if he does go but there is probably a good replacement lined up. We just need to lay some more false trails to stop Liverhampton cutting out the middle man and going for our real targets. COYR
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wibbersda added 13:22 - May 16
Are you on Drugs Nick?
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Rez added 13:32 - May 16
Awww, are you OK Hun?

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SaintBrock added 13:37 - May 16
Think I'll let that one pass by. It's never good to skip a day with those pills Nick!
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richsaints added 16:39 - May 16
Do Everton seriously believe van d would chose them above the likes of Chelsea,man c, arsenal and probably others abroad they are not even a step up from us .All of this nonsense could be easily stopped by the player himself with two simple words 'im staying' but nothing in any case his long contract belongs to saints and we expect him to stay if we are serious about changing our selling mentality.
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anthony85uk added 07:51 - May 17
Great article but I fear your humour may be lost on many!
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SaintPaulVW added 16:14 - May 17
Nice one. I always enjoy these funny articles. Although I often enjoy the comments more. Clearly sailed over a few posters heads again.
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