Liverpool In Secret Talks To HiJack Chinese Takeover At St Mary's Thursday, 8th Jun 2017 15:23 Chinese group Lander Holdings were today dismayed to hear that Liverpool FC are about to hijack their takeover of Southampton Football Club. As Saints fans wait to hear of the proposed purchase of an 80% stake in the club by Lander Holdings for £210 million, the Chinese will be dismayed to hear of the purchase of a calculator in the shop in the Esso garage behind the Kop by new Liverpool chief executive Peter Moore. Whilst stopping for Petrol in the garage Moore took advantage of an offer to buy a calculator for £2.99 with every £20 of petrol bought. After remembering to get a receipt Moore took his seat in his new office at Anfield and considered the cheapest way to get Virgil Van Dijk into a Liverpool shirt. After studying the books of transfer money paid out by his new employers to Saints and reading of the takeover in the pipeline, Moore started to do his sums. The maths were simple, in the last three summers the Merseyside club had spent on average about £33 million each year at St Mary's, not including car parking fees at the stadium, hotel bills in the Marchwood area and binoculars. With the club about to try and shell out another £70 million on Virgil Van Dijk that would bring that average up even further and if Southampton continued their strategy of discovering players, buying them cheaply and then selling them on to Liverpool, then by 2025 it could cost the Anfield club another £320 million not taking into account inflation and grovelling apology bills. The answer smacked him in the face, in the words of Victor Kiam in a 1988 TV commercial if you like the product so much then buy the company. By now his calculator was in meltdown, he popped out bought another £20 of Petrol yet another calculator and worked out that he could save £110 million over this time period, money that could be better used on paying him a bonus or putting another tier on the ground. He then phoned up Ralph Krueger at St Mary's who surprisingly agreed with him that he should take this path and indeed Krueger compiled a list of transfers that he would personally ensure happened in the short term, although he advised to delay buying the club now and not buying Van Dijk immediately but to buy a few Saints players at market value as a smokescreen so no one would suspect what was going on. Krueger said that within weeks Moore could be parading in a Liverpool shirt, Maya Yoshida a player of international quality who had kept Van Dijk out of the first team since January and for a bargain £40 million, far less than Van Dijk would cost. The fans wouldn't like it but Krueger felt that two more signings designed to bamboozle the Premier League watchdogs would do the trick. Also joining Yoshida at Anfield would be Jeremy Pied at £20 million a snip for a player who had barely put a foot wrong all season and best of all for only £15 million Liverpool could solve their goalkeeping problems with Paulo Gazzaniga a man who had once came near keeping a clean sheet at Anfield itself five years ago, without even having to rely on penalty saves. Buying the club would pay for itself within 3 years taking into account the stars that Krueger himself would push Liverpool's way, indeed just the cost of greasing the likes of Mick Quinn and the press's hands would be more than offset by the fact that Krueger himself would personally drive these players to Anfield to make sure they signed and if he was on holiday there would be 30,000 Saints fans, who so grateful would they be to Liverpool for their continued patronage would offer to do the job. Moore was very pleased, a quick read of Yoshida's biography described his defending as Kamikaze at times, and having lived in America he knew of how effective Kamikaze pilots had been at Pearl Harbour, he wanted that spirit at Anfield. He knew that if his predecessor had bought Saints for £30 million in 2009 then Liverpool would already be quids in, he couldn't miss out a second time, even taking into account the £75 million on the three new players it was sound business sense. He smiled as the Fax machine buzzed and the paperwork was on his desk within minutes of putting the phone down with Krueger and he had to suppress a laugh as he faxed back the signed deal, here he was only in the job five minutes and he already had a gullible Chairman of another club in his back pocket. Better still to save time Krueger had suggested paying cash to buy Saints, English banks were slow and had a £50 bacs transfer fee, cash would be far easier and to save Moore the time of looking up where Southampton was on the map, Krueger would send up someone to collect it. NB It should be noted that any similarity to correct grammar and spelling in this article is purely coincidental as is any semblance of truth or connections to anyone dead or living, however we all still think Dejan Lovren is a ****. For Liverpool fans it is all a bit of fun and remember buying a Saints player should be for life and not just for Xmas. 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