I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up
Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. — It’s nice to have a bit of company.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six hours it took me.
Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!
Woke up tonight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified!
Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.
People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.
I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, it’s a snake".
Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.
Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!
I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.
Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.
I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.
Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woollen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.
I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.
There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.
Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!
Just passed an AA man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!
My budgie escaped from its cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.
A man was rushed into hospital after shoving 27 small plastic horses up his bum, they’ve reported his condition as stable.
A man barges into a doctor's consulting room and shouts "Help me, doctor, I've just had a set of dominoes shoved up my arse!!"
Doctor replies "Christ, man, don't you ever knock?"
I told my mate I was a big fan of Beyoncé. He said “Whatever floats your boat”. I said “No, that’s buoyancy”
The next person that asks me for rum, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
I'm off to Greenwich in a bit. Need to figure out what to do in the mean time!
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Good job Rentokil.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.
My ex-girlfriend laughed at my idea of making a car out of spaghetti...should have seen her face today as I drove pasta.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I’m so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Man dressed in cricket whites walks very slow into a doctors surgery.
Man. “Doc, you’ve got to help me, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse “
Doc. “Oh really? Howzat?”
Man. “Don’t you fecking start!”
Tesco have started doing a dating agency service. My mate went on a date and now he's got a bag for life.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why is my pet amphibian named ‘Tiny’ you ask.
Well that’s easy: it’s because he’s my newt.
I used to be in a Billy Ocean tribute act but quit when the going got tough.
Just won a medal at the World Weather Forecasting Championships. I beat the raining champion.
The Doctor I'm seeing for my bad back is from Egypt. He's a Cairo-practor.
I've been snacking on little bits of metal for the last few weeks, not one of my five a day, but it's a staple diet.
A brain and a battery walk into a pub. The barman says, " I'm not serving you two." "Why not?" says the brain. "Well," said the barman, "You're already out of your head and I'm afraid he might start something."
What do you call an underwater dog? A subwoofer.
Me: "Is this fly spray any good for wasps?"
Sales assistant: "Not really. It kills them."
I was dating a woman who worked at a camping shop. We split up as the relationship was too intents.
I saw two people in Tesco wrapped together in a giant barcode. I thought "They must be an item".
The police stopped me and asked me where I was between 5 and 11. I said "Primary School".
It's the Schizophrenia Society Annual Ball tonight. I'm in two minds whether to go or not.
I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went but I've got some leads.
I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.
My mate told me, to meet him at half six so I turned up at three.
Me and my wife had an argument over my big purple dinosaur which she threw out. We had a massive Barney.
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it just in case there's a salad dressing.
On my way to the shop a man jumped out and threw a tub of butter at me, then a load of milk and a dozen eggs. I thought, "how dairy."
If people want to build their own watchtowers, then that's their lookout.
There is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up.
I nearly bought a hill today but it was a bit too steep.
I had an argument with a lollipop lady today. She made me cross.
My History lecturer asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past. I said, "Now and then."
I was walking down the street the other day, when some youths started throwing cheese at me. I thought "yeah, that's mature".
There was an explosion at the local cheese factory the other day. De Brie was everywhere.
Two cannibals caught a clown and were eating him. First cannibal looks over at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"......
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said "I'll have a beer, and one for the road...."
Two TV antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.....
"Doc I can't stop singin'" " The Green, Green Grass of Home"....
"Well, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." said the Doc..
"Is it common?"
Doc looks over and says, "Well.... It's Not Unusual."
A Buddhist monk went to the dentist, the dentist asked him "Do you want Novocaine?"
The monk replied "Ah no. I am able to transcend dental medication.."
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I went to the doctor and he gave me a check-up, he said “you appear to have a piece of lettuce sticking out of your arse” I said “that’s just the tip of the iceberg Doc”
A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering. Ta Pauline.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
To the thief who stole all my anti-depressants - I hope you're happy now.
I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while l figured out the meaning of “many”. It means a lot.
Not to brag, but l have this incredible talent in predicting what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
I can’t believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick.
A woman is in a jewellers, and is looking at a large diamond ring. As she leans forward, a little fart slips out. Hoping no one has heard, the woman asks, “How much is that one?”
The jeweller replies, “Madam, if you farted when looking at it, then you’ll shit yourself when I tell you the price!”
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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