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Fans of crisis club bury FC were left reeling today when they found out that Stewart ‘Forever bury?’ Day has contacted EGP towers to ask them to construct the next press release regarding their new manager, even though it appears that the new man hasn’t even been chosen.
(As per our new feature press play whilst reading)
Early on Wednesday morning, we fielded the call from the plump pie-botherer. ‘I read your last EGP on that website that no bury fans ever read, and loved your writing style. So I was wondering if you’d write us a press release for when I choose the next Alex Ferguson’ he said in a soft Yarm accent. Never one to shy away from a challenge, the EGP writers were willing to help out our plucky neighbours and agreed. ‘You know what we are about here' continued the exuberant Day, 'We’re a bit like you lot but bigger and better like. Have you heard that we are moving grounds and going to build a 50,000 all-seater stadium in Summerseat?’
‘I’m not one for embellishing the truth so I want something to the point, which will keep our wonderful fans happy’, said podgy Stewie whilst snacking on crisps at the other end of the phone, (we’re guessing at Beef Monster Munch). We enquired if a new manager had been chosen yet. ‘We’ve now got 300 applicants to wade through but don’t you worry, we will select the right man to take us from 19th in League 1 to 6th this season.’
So our dedicated team toiled away creating the futuristic Press Release.
Plagiarism warning.
‘It is with great pleasure that Championship Club-elect bury FC announce that ********* is our new manager.
******** takes over from former special person David Flitcroft, sacked after unluckily conceding 15 goals in four matches whilst also equalling their winless record run of 12 matches. You can’t make allowances for poor referees you know!
‘******* is a dedicated individual who will not accept anything but the best for bury Football Club’ said chairman Stewart Day’. ‘We are hoping that ******* takes us to the next level’. 'He had received offers from other clubs at a higher level, but he has bought into what we are trying to achieve at this club and has committed his future to take us back to where we belong, the Championship.'
‘As soon as he saw our fantastic facilities at Carrington he couldn’t wait to get started as he knows he can attract players from all over the globe utilising our world-wide scouting network that I’ve put in place. The new carpets and sofa were also game changers in convincing ********* to sign on the dotted line.’
‘I knew the project would be difficult both on and off the pitch, but I promise to continue to work tirelessly to deliver the five-year plan.’
'All I can ask is that the fans come out on Saturday to give our new manager the support he deserves and start our march back up the league to the Championship and beyond.’
Meanwhile ******* said, “As soon as I met the Chur I knew he was a man I could do business with. His enthusiasm and ambition to drive bury back to the Championship is unquenchable, and his plans off the pitch to build a business model of a self-sustaining football club really caught my eye, as did his architect’s impression of their new ground which he’s knocked up in lego and it’s on his desk next to his Rubiks Cube.’
But where are the apart-hotels? And casino? And car park spaces? etc. etc
Mr Days rubiks cube yesterday which was unavailable for comment
******* continued ‘I’ve actually turned down the England job to come here, I’m that impressed with Mr Day’s vision.’
‘Also I was impressed with the budget I’ve been granted. It wouldn’t look out of place in the Championship, but The Chur assures me he is funding the project with his own wealth, gleaned from being on the Board of 49 different companies. This fella is clearly going places and I want to be on the same journey. He’s so committed to the club, he’s even asked me if he can join in with the training sessions which I’ve agreed to.’
Following our draft email, the excited porker phoned us immediately to praise our efforts. ‘Fantastic stuff lads, you’re much better than that oddball Gordon we have in the office. Actually, you’re nearly better than Glen who normally interviews me when I don’t want any difficult questions, and he always starts off by asking if he can ask me some questions'. We probed him further on if he was any nearer to making an appointment. ‘Not yet’, replied Day, ‘We have had further interest in the position, 2,000 people will take a lot of vetting. Anyhow, I’m taking training this morning, and I’m going to see how I get on. It can’t be that hard.’
Managers hand delivering their CV's at Gigg on Thursday.
As always, we asked Day what were his thoughts on the recent HMRC court case. ‘That got sorted last month’. When we reminded him that it was a new and different one, the tubby one had to terminate the conversation as he was, ‘just going into a tunnel’ and ended the call with, ‘ Speak to Glenny’.
We will wait and see if Stewie uses our press release once the fat fingered flabster has sorted his Pep’s from his Wenger’s, but we are confident that we will get the expected response from the usual bury fans to our this press release.
We contacted a deluded follower today and ran the release past him to see what he thought (we think it was a ‘he’). ‘Wow wow wow, what a great press release, is it Hill behind the asterisks? Or Hasselbank? It’s a refreshing change from the normal stuff coming from the club, regarding the manager. And Day, what a man! He’ll lead us to glory, he’s an astute business man. He’ll never take us to the wall’. Unfortunately we had to cut the interview short at that point as his carer intervened.
Starkies bar tomorrow.
Next week. New manager bingo. Will you get a full house with Stewie? Pick five phrases and if you get a full house with the drivel that comes out of the Chur’s mouth you win a special prize - A car park space at a special place in Greater Manchester.
Always enjoy an EGP release. 'he has bought into what we are trying to achieve at this club and has committed his future to take us back to where we belong, the Championship.' - the best satire is that which is indistinguishable from reality.
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