In a move which has taken the financial community by surprise, the government has announced that Great Britain will abandon the pound sterling as the unit of currency. From next month, the unit of currency will be the Loo Roll. Explaining the decision, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rishi Sunak, stated that recent events in supermarkets have made it clear that the loo roll is widely seen as a stronger and safer store of value than the pound and he hoped that the new move would provide some stability to financial markets.
Work has already begun on selling the country's gold reserves and replacing them with loo roll reserves. This is creating logistical problems as loo rolls require more space than gold bars and so civil servants are looking for buildings in London which are serving no useful purpose. The House of Commons was considered but ruled out as a fire risk because of the frequent occurrence of hot air. An alternative is to store the loo rolls in the Tate Modern, which would also have the advantage that they would probably win the Turner Prize.
Coins will no longer be used. Instead, the public will carry a loo roll on a string over the shoulder, peeling off a sheet for each 1p spent. Gucci has already designed a leather thong for only 2999 LR.
For larger denominations, bank notes will still be required and graphic artists have been commissioned to produce designs. The 10 LR note is to have a picture of Thomas Crapper on one side and the Queen sitting on her throne on the other side. As a security measure to prevent forgeries, each note will bear a hologram of a labrador puppy.
The government has established a task force to consider other implications of the change. For example, a new security company will be set up to guard public toilets against the looting of loo rolls, It is to be called Guard-a-Loo. Historians have suggested that a different name be chosen or the guards be provided with waterproof clothing.
Speculation is mounting over whether other countries will follow Britain's lead. However, a spokesman for the European Central Bank has said that there is no truth in the rumour that the Euronote is to be replaced by the Urinate. “That's just taking the piss”, he said. |  |
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