| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard 21:48 - Dec 17 with 624 views | SaintNick |
It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”.
Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful
DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
• The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!
DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm
• You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.
YOU ARE IN A ROUND
• I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop.
Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same f*cking drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.
KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
• Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there’s 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that shitty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City
iPHONE ETTIQUETTE
• Okay, the music isn’t great. It’s nothing to write home about. But it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It’s background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to“do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a tw*t. A prize, prize tw*t. Other expletives come to mind. Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.
ATTRACTING ATTENTION
• Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do you know why? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar." The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not p*ss them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club).
You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe pr*ck or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
• If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the f*ck up. That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills. Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the f*ck up.
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| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 08:07 - Dec 18 with 422 views | arfurdent |
Amen to that |  |
| So Long and Thanks for all the Fish |
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| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 08:44 - Dec 18 with 395 views | Tonyfromdk |
Well said..
One of the things I’ve always missed living in Denmark is the British pub culture.
There’s a few in Århus which are okay but many places have the clientele like you’ve mentioned.
As you say they’re a bunch of wånkers |  | | |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 08:54 - Dec 18 with 380 views | HytheFerrytales |
yep...about as popular as the Borussia Moenchengladbach fan who stands up and shouts to the surrounding Ultras.....
"Give us a B" | | | |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 11:18 - Dec 18 with 257 views | GRIM |
I guess you must have been well drunk when you posted this Nick.
There's enough hatred on this forum without you making it worse.
Every one is entitled to enjoy Xmas not just drunken football fans.
HAPPY XMAS to everyone & NOT just heavy drinkers.
By the way I enjoy a drink all year round & not just at Xmas. | | | |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 11:27 - Dec 18 with 247 views | saints__fan__73 |
Eric Bristow always said the only day of the year he wouldn't go to the pub was the last Friday before Christmas, or Black Eye Friday as it's known.
He used to call it Amateur Drinkers Day. |  |
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| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 13:59 - Dec 18 with 131 views | Heisenberg |
I love a good pub. Can’t stand shiny loud places with massive TVs or Wetherspoons I’m more a fan of the traditional boozer. It’s just a shame to see so many closing down. |  |
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| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 15:01 - Dec 18 with 67 views | kingslandstand1 |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 11:18 - Dec 18 by GRIM |
I guess you must have been well drunk when you posted this Nick.
There's enough hatred on this forum without you making it worse.
Every one is entitled to enjoy Xmas not just drunken football fans.
HAPPY XMAS to everyone & NOT just heavy drinkers.
By the way I enjoy a drink all year round & not just at Xmas. |
To be fair Grim, I'd say that was copied and pasted and not ctually Nick's prose.
I'd also guess slightly tongue in cheek, though it is right about 10 people in the same group buying an individual drink and leaving the Guiness til last! Everyone knows Guiness should be the first drink asked for in any round! |  |
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| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 15:52 - Dec 18 with 37 views | SaintNick |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE: Christmas pub w*nkers, please think hard on 15:01 - Dec 18 by kingslandstand1 |
To be fair Grim, I'd say that was copied and pasted and not ctually Nick's prose.
I'd also guess slightly tongue in cheek, though it is right about 10 people in the same group buying an individual drink and leaving the Guiness til last! Everyone knows Guiness should be the first drink asked for in any round! |
Correct on all accounts | |
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